Why I’m Tired
For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s why: The population of this country is 273 million.
Related Image
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
FUNNIES #2
Those Questions No One Can Answer
What disease did cured ham have?
What’s the difference between unique and very unique?
We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?
What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby’s Palm)
We say, “It’s Greek to me.” What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It’s Chinese to me.)
If we don’t care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?
Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They’re both dogs.
Do “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” and “The Alphabet Song” have the same tune?
On Gilligan’s Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn’t he fix the hole in the boat?
If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn’t he just buy himself dinner?
Can you drive in the car pool lane if you’re driving a hearse with t corpse in it?
Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
What disease did cured ham have?
What’s the difference between unique and very unique?
We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?
What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby’s Palm)
We say, “It’s Greek to me.” What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It’s Chinese to me.)
If we don’t care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?
Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They’re both dogs.
Do “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” and “The Alphabet Song” have the same tune?
On Gilligan’s Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn’t he fix the hole in the boat?
If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn’t he just buy himself dinner?
Can you drive in the car pool lane if you’re driving a hearse with t corpse in it?
Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
FUNNIES #1
How to Get the Police to Respond Really Quickly
Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, “No.” Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.
The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. “I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don’t worry about it, I shot them.”
In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.
“I thought you said you shot them,” said the officer.
“Thought you said no one was available,” he replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jay Leno Quote
With hurricanes, flooding, tornados, mud slides, fires out of control, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Traffic Accident
Well, Your Honor, I really didn’t mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.
I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, “I am NOT happy.”
I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, “OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?”
That’s when the fight started.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life After Death
A boss asked one of his employees, “Do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the new employee.
“I thought you would,” said the boss. “Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend’s father, “Son, can you support a family?”
“Well, no, sir,” he replied. “I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Water Pistol
My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.
“Mom,” I said. “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?”
My mom smiled and said, “Yes, I remember.”
Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, “No.” Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.
The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. “I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don’t worry about it, I shot them.”
In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.
“I thought you said you shot them,” said the officer.
“Thought you said no one was available,” he replied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jay Leno Quote
With hurricanes, flooding, tornados, mud slides, fires out of control, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Traffic Accident
Well, Your Honor, I really didn’t mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.
I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, “I am NOT happy.”
I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, “OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?”
That’s when the fight started.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life After Death
A boss asked one of his employees, “Do you believe in life after death?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the new employee.
“I thought you would,” said the boss. “Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend’s father, “Son, can you support a family?”
“Well, no, sir,” he replied. “I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Water Pistol
My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.
“Mom,” I said. “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?”
My mom smiled and said, “Yes, I remember.”
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN
Names
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats
Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
Future
A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.
Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Thought for the Day
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
Rocknrandy's Toy's and More
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats
Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
Future
A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.
Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Thought for the Day
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
Rocknrandy's Toy's and More
TALKING WOMANESE
Men, you may think you have a command of the English language, but when it comes to communicating with women, you may be surprised.
Here is our dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you’ll find your relationship with women greatly improved.
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
Yes, communication between men and women can be difficult. That’s because words have different meanings for men and for women. Our Womanese dictionary will help men better understand what women mean and save a lot of heart ache.
1. Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
2. That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
3. Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
4. Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
6. Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
7. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
8. Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)
Here is our dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you’ll find your relationship with women greatly improved.
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
Yes, communication between men and women can be difficult. That’s because words have different meanings for men and for women. Our Womanese dictionary will help men better understand what women mean and save a lot of heart ache.
1. Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
2. That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
3. Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
4. Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
6. Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
7. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
8. Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)
YOU'RE GETTIN OLD WHEN
YOU’RE GETTING OLDER WHEN…
- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
- You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
- Let’s face it, traveling just isn’t as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
- You’re suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You’re sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing “Kumbaya.”
- Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
- You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- You look both ways before crossing a room.
- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
- The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
- You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know what the word “equity” means.
- You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You can go bowling without drinking.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
- You don’t remember being absent minded.
- “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.
- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
- You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
- Let’s face it, traveling just isn’t as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
- You’re suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You’re sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing “Kumbaya.”
- Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
- You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- You look both ways before crossing a room.
- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
- The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
- You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know what the word “equity” means.
- You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You can go bowling without drinking.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
- You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
- You don’t remember being absent minded.
- “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.
- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
MY BADDY CAT ROSCOE
I have one pet in my home…and thats my baddy cat Roscoe..my heart overfills with love for him..but I swear he is like having a toddler in the house..he gets into everything then he looks at me and approaches me to pet him and purrs all pitiful just like a toddler…I swear when he meows he is talking…I’m trying to record him ..its eerie…but he fills my life with furriness and cuteness and complete loyalty
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