WHEN A WOMAN LIES...(rec'd in an email)

I RECEIVED THIS IN A EMAIL TODAY..HOPE NO ONE IS OFFENDED BY IT..

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, ‘My dear child, why are you crying?’
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, ‘No.’

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. ‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,
’No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. ‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, ‘Yes.’

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, ‘Why are you crying?’

’Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. ‘Is this your husband?’ the Lord asked. Yes,’ cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. ‘You lied! That is an untruth!’

The seamstress replied, ‘Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ’no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up
with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in
the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!

HUMOUROUS QUOTES

A husband is someone who ..after taking out the trash gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house...

Sometimes when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." Lilliam Carter (mother of former President Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered ..but I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog...NO GOOD IN BED, BUT FINE FOR AGAINST A WALL (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Last week , I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen..I have since been visited by her sister,,and now wish to withdraw that statement..(Mark Twain)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending..and to have the two as close together as possible..(George Burns)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech...Every now and then she stops to breathe...(Jimmy Durante)

A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer...

Money can't buy you happiness..but it does bring in a more pleasant form of misery..(Spike Milligan)

Until I was 13 I thought my name was SHUT UP...(former football player Joe Namath)

I don't feel old..I don't feel anything at all until noon...then its time for my nap...(Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..(W.C.
Fields)

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress...(Will Rogers)

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he's too old to go anywhere...(Billy Crystal)

The cardiologist diet...if it tastes good..spit it out...

I don't call my ex an ex..I call him a Y...(Natalie Cole on Wendy williams show)

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two place...he told me to stop going to those places..(Henny Youngman)

Maybe you can't buy happiness..but these days you certainly can charge it...

If at first you don't succeed ..hide all evidence that you tried..

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything...(Mark Twain)

If you think you are too small to be effective..you obviously have never been in a room with a mosquito..

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the Hell is the ceiling?"


A hypochondriac is one who has a pill for everything except what ails him..(Mignon McLaughlin)

Good Humour makes all things tolerable...(Henry Ward Beecher)

Sure I'm all for helping the elderly..I'm going to be old myself one day..(Lillian Carter in her 80's)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age..(LUcille Ball 1911-1989)

I love deadlines...I like the swooshing sound they
make as they fly by...(Douglas Adams)

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning., the devil shudders and says," Oh no , she's awake!"..

I feel about diets the way I feel about planes,,,they are wonderful things for other people to be on...(Jean Kerr)

I'm not young enough to know everything..(Oscar Wilde)

When in doubt ..read the directions...

Normal is just a setting on a dryer...

Why can't all of our problems hit us when we are fourteen and we know everything..??

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it...

when you stop believing in Santa Clause...you get underwear...

Of all the things I've lost ...I miss my mind the most...

If if was a fifth..we would all be drunk...

If at first you don't succeed..skydiving is not for you...

I strive to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am...

Stupid should hurt...

Everyday I get up and look through the Forbeslist of the richest people in America..if I'm not there...I go to work...

If God had intended men to fly...he'd make it easier to get to the airport...

yah this ain't nothing...

He was standing in the rubble of an old farmhouse outside Birmingham
When some on the scene reporter stuck a camera in the face of that old man
He said “tell the folks please mister, what are you gonna do
Now that this twister has taken all that’s dear to you”
The old man just smiled and said “boy let me tell you something, this ain’t nothing”

He said I lost my daddy, when I was eight years old,
That cave-in at the Kincaid mine left a big old hole,
And I lost my baby brother, my best friend and my left hand
In a no win situation in a place called Vietnam
And last year I watched my loving wife, of fifty years waste away and die
And I held her hand til her heart of gold stopped pumping,
So this ain’t nothin’

He said I learned at an early age,
There’s things that matter and there’s things that don’t
So if you’re waiting here for me to cry,
I hate to disappoint you boy, but I won’t

Then he reached down in the rubble and picked up a photograph
Wiped the dirt off of it with the hand that he still had
He put it to his lips and said man she was something
But this ain’t nothin’

He said I lost my daddy, when I was eight years old,
That cave-in at the Kincaid mine left a big old hole,
And I lost my baby brother, my best friend and my left hand
In a no win situation in a place called Vietnam
And last year I watched my loving wife, of fifty years waste away and die
We were holding hands when her heart of gold stopped pumping
So this ain’t nothin’

This ain’t nothin’ time won’t erase
And this ain’t nothin’ money can’t replace
He said you sit and watch your loving wife fifty years fighting for her life
Then you hold her hand til her heart of gold stops pumping
Yeah boy that’s something,
So this ain’t nothin’
Yeah this ain’t nothin’

TO CELEBRATE COLOR

Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel – All claimed that they were the best, the most important, the most useful, the favorite.

GREEN said, “Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was chosen for grass, leaves, trees – without me, all animals would die. Look out over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority.”

BLUE interrupted, “You only think about the Earth, but consider the sky and sea. It is the water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace, you would all be nothing.”

YELLOW chuckled, “You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth to the world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time you look at a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile. Without me, there would be no fun.”

ORANGE started to blow her temper, “I am the color of health and strength. I may be scarce but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most important vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, mangos, and pawpaws. I don’t hang around all the time, but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you”.

RED could stand it no longer. He shouted out, “I am the ruler of all of you! I am blood! Life’s blood! I am the color of danger and of bravery. I am willing to fight for a cause. I bring fire to the blood! I am the color of passion and of love, the red rose, the poppy and the poinsettia. Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon!”

PURPLE rose up to his full height. He was very tall and spoke with great pomp, “I am the color of royalty and power. Kings, chiefs, and bishops have always chosen me for I am a sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me, they listen and obey”.

Finally, INDIGO spoke; much more quietly than all the others, but with just as much determination, “Think of me. I am the color of silence. You hardly notice me, but without me you all become superficial. I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me for balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace.”

And so all the colors went on boasting and quarreling, each convinced of their own superiority. Soon, their quarreling became louder and louder. Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightening! Thunder rolled and boomed! Rain started to pour down relentlessly. The colors crouched down in fear drawing close to one another for comfort. In the midst of the clamor, RAIN began to speak: “You foolish colors, fighting amongst yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest. Don’t you know you were each made for a special purpose, unique and different? Join hands with one another and come to me.”

Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands. The rain continued: “From now on, when it rains, each of you will stretch across the sky in a great bow of colors as a reminder that you can all live in peace. The rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow.” And so, whenever a good rain washes the world, and a rainbow appears in the sky, let us remember to unite, join hands and appreciate one another.

COLOR MEANING..

Red

Red is the color of fire and blood, so it is associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination as well as passion, desire, and love.

Red is a very emotionally intense color. It enhances human metabolism, increases respiration rate, and raises blood pressure. It has very high visibility, which is why stop signs, stoplights, and fire equipment are usually painted red. In heraldry, red is used to indicate courage. It is a color found in many national flags.

Red brings text and images to the foreground. Use it as an accent color to stimulate people to make quick decisions; it is a perfect color for ‘Buy Now’ or ‘Click Here’ buttons on Internet banners and websites. In advertising, red is often used to evoke erotic feelings (red lips, red nails, red-light districts, ‘Lady in Red’, etc). Red is widely used to indicate danger (high voltage signs, traffic lights). This color is also commonly associated with energy, so you can use it when promoting energy drinks, games, cars, items related to sports and high physical activity.

Light red represents joy, sexuality, passion, sensitivity, and love.
Pink signifies romance, love, and friendship. It denotes feminine qualities and passiveness.
Dark red is associated with vigor, willpower, rage, anger, leadership, courage, longing, malice, and wrath.
Brown suggests stability and denotes masculine qualities.
Reddish-brown is associated with harvest and fall.

Orange

Orange combines the energy of red and the happiness of yellow. It is associated with joy, sunshine, and the tropics. Orange represents enthusiasm, fascination, happiness, creativity, determination, attraction, success, encouragement, and stimulation.

To the human eye, orange is a very hot color, so it gives the sensation of heat. Nevertheless, orange is not as aggressive as red. Orange increases oxygen supply to the brain, produces an invigorating effect, and stimulates mental activity. It is highly accepted among young people. As a citrus color, orange is associated with healthy food and stimulates appetite. Orange is the color of fall and harvest. In heraldry, orange is symbolic of strength and endurance.

Orange has very high visibility, so you can use it to catch attention and highlight the most important elements of your design. Orange is very effective for promoting food products and toys.

Dark orange can mean deceit and distrust.
Red-orange corresponds to desire, sexual passion, pleasure, domination, aggression, and thirst for action.
Gold evokes the feeling of prestige. The meaning of gold is illumination, wisdom, and wealth. Gold often symbolizes high quality.

Yellow

Yellow is the color of sunshine. It’s associated with joy, happiness, intellect, and energy.

Yellow produces a warming effect, arouses cheerfulness, stimulates mental activity, and generates muscle energy. Yellow is often associated with food. Bright, pure yellow is an attention getter, which is the reason taxicabs are painted this color. When overused, yellow may have a disturbing effect; it is known that babies cry more in yellow rooms. Yellow is seen before other colors when placed against black; this combination is often used to issue a warning. In heraldry, yellow indicates honor and loyalty. Later the meaning of yellow was connected with cowardice.

Use yellow to evoke pleasant, cheerful feelings. You can choose yellow to promote children’s products and items related to leisure. Yellow is very effective for attracting attention, so use it to highlight the most important elements of your design. Men usually perceive yellow as a very lighthearted, ‘childish’ color, so it is not recommended to use yellow when selling prestigious, expensive products to men – nobody will buy a yellow business suit or a yellow Mercedes. Yellow is an unstable and spontaneous color, so avoid using yellow if you want to suggest stability and safety. Light yellow tends to disappear into white, so it usually needs a dark color to highlight it. Shades of yellow are visually unappealing because they loose cheerfulness and become dingy.

Dull (dingy) yellow represents caution, decay, sickness, and jealousy.
Light yellow is associated with intellect, freshness, and joy.

Green

Green is the color of nature. It symbolizes growth, harmony, freshness, and fertility. Green has strong emotional correspondence with safety. Dark green is also commonly associated with money.

Green has great healing power. It is the most restful color for the human eye; it can improve vision. Green suggests stability and endurance. Sometimes green denotes lack of experience; for example, a ‘greenhorn’ is a novice. In heraldry, green indicates growth and hope. Green, as opposed to red, means safety; it is the color of free passage in road traffic.

Use green to indicate safety when advertising drugs and medical products. Green is directly related to nature, so you can use it to promote ‘green’ products. Dull, darker green is commonly associated with money, the financial world, banking, and Wall Street.

Dark green is associated with ambition, greed, and jealousy.
Yellow-green can indicate sickness, cowardice, discord, and jealousy.
Aqua is associated with emotional healing and protection.
Olive green is the traditional color of peace.

Blue

Blue is the color of the sky and sea. It is often associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven.

Blue is considered beneficial to the mind and body. It slows human metabolism and produces a calming effect. Blue is strongly associated with tranquility and calmness. In heraldry, blue is used to symbolize piety and sincerity.

You can use blue to promote products and services related to cleanliness (water purification filters, cleaning liquids, vodka), air and sky (airlines, airports, air conditioners), water and sea (sea voyages, mineral water). As opposed to emotionally warm colors like red, orange, and yellow; blue is linked to consciousness and intellect. Use blue to suggest precision when promoting high-tech products.

Blue is a masculine color; according to studies, it is highly accepted among males. Dark blue is associated with depth, expertise, and stability; it is a preferred color for corporate America.

Avoid using blue when promoting food and cooking, because blue suppresses appetite. When used together with warm colors like yellow or red, blue can create high-impact, vibrant designs; for example, blue-yellow-red is a perfect color scheme for a superhero.

Light blue is associated with health, healing, tranquility, understanding, and softness.
Dark blue represents knowledge, power, integrity, and seriousness.

Purple

Purple combines the stability of blue and the energy of red. Purple is associated with royalty. It symbolizes power, nobility, luxury, and ambition. It conveys wealth and extravagance. Purple is associated with wisdom, dignity, independence, creativity, mystery, and magic.

According to surveys, almost 75 percent of pre-adolescent children prefer purple to all other colors. Purple is a very rare color in nature; some people consider it to be artificial.

Light purple is a good choice for a feminine design. You can use bright purple when promoting children’s products.

Light purple evokes romantic and nostalgic feelings.
Dark purple evokes gloom and sad feelings. It can cause frustration.

White

White is associated with light, goodness, innocence, purity, and virginity. It is considered to be the color of perfection.

White means safety, purity, and cleanliness. As opposed to black, white usually has a positive connotation. White can represent a successful beginning. In heraldry, white depicts faith and purity.

In advertising, white is associated with coolness and cleanliness because it’s the color of snow. You can use white to suggest simplicity in high-tech products. White is an appropriate color for charitable organizations; angels are usually imagined wearing white clothes. White is associated with hospitals, doctors, and sterility, so you can use white to suggest safety when promoting medical products. White is often associated with low weight, low-fat food, and dairy products.

Black

Black is associated with power, elegance, formality, death, evil, and mystery.

Black is a mysterious color associated with fear and the unknown (black holes). It usually has a negative connotation (blacklist, black humor, ‘black death’). Black denotes strength and authority; it is considered to be a very formal, elegant, and prestigious color (black tie, black Mercedes). In heraldry, black is the symbol of grief.

Black gives the feeling of perspective and depth, but a black background diminishes readability. A black suit or dress can make you look thinner. When designing for a gallery of art or photography, you can use a black or gray background to make the other colors stand out. Black contrasts well with bright colors. Combined with red or orange – other very powerful colors – black gives a very aggressive color scheme.

OH MAN!! OH MAN!!!

The body builder takes off his shirt
and the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'



He tells her,
'That's 100 lbs.. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'
"What massive calves you have!'


The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and
the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her..
He catches up to her and asks why
she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was!'

AND THATS WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started…..




POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, “Hi! I’m Belinda!” This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.

Everything clear?"

I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.”

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm.

Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered.. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

“Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.” Belinda said, and headed for the door.

“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”

Before I could shout “NOOOO!” she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite “Hi, how’s it going” type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible “Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.”

“You bet, take care” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.