Sunday, June 27, 2010

WHEN A WOMAN LIES...(rec'd in an email)


One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, ‘My dear child, why are you crying?’
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, ‘No.’

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. ‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. ‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, ‘Yes.’

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, ‘Why are you crying?’

’Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. ‘Is this your husband?’ the Lord asked. Yes,’ cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. ‘You lied! That is an untruth!’

The seamstress replied, ‘Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ’no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up
with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in
the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!

Saturday, June 26, 2010


A husband is someone who ..after taking out the trash gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house...

Sometimes when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." Lilliam Carter (mother of former President Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered ..but I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog...NO GOOD IN BED, BUT FINE FOR AGAINST A WALL (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Last week , I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen..I have since been visited by her sister,,and now wish to withdraw that statement..(Mark Twain)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending..and to have the two as close together as possible..(George Burns)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech...Every now and then she stops to breathe...(Jimmy Durante)

A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer...

Money can't buy you happiness..but it does bring in a more pleasant form of misery..(Spike Milligan)

Until I was 13 I thought my name was SHUT UP...(former football player Joe Namath)

I don't feel old..I don't feel anything at all until noon...then its time for my nap...(Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..(W.C.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress...(Will Rogers)

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he's too old to go anywhere...(Billy Crystal)

The cardiologist diet...if it tastes good..spit it out...

I don't call my ex an ex..I call him a Y...(Natalie Cole on Wendy williams show)

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two place...he told me to stop going to those places..(Henny Youngman)

Maybe you can't buy happiness..but these days you certainly can charge it...

If at first you don't succeed ..hide all evidence that you tried..

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything...(Mark Twain)

If you think you are too small to be obviously have never been in a room with a mosquito..

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the Hell is the ceiling?"

A hypochondriac is one who has a pill for everything except what ails him..(Mignon McLaughlin)

Good Humour makes all things tolerable...(Henry Ward Beecher)

Sure I'm all for helping the elderly..I'm going to be old myself one day..(Lillian Carter in her 80's)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age..(LUcille Ball 1911-1989)

I love deadlines...I like the swooshing sound they
make as they fly by...(Douglas Adams)

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning., the devil shudders and says," Oh no , she's awake!"..

I feel about diets the way I feel about planes,,,they are wonderful things for other people to be on...(Jean Kerr)

I'm not young enough to know everything..(Oscar Wilde)

When in doubt the directions...

Normal is just a setting on a dryer...

Why can't all of our problems hit us when we are fourteen and we know everything..??

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it...

when you stop believing in Santa get underwear...

Of all the things I've lost ...I miss my mind the most...

If if was a fifth..we would all be drunk...

If at first you don't succeed..skydiving is not for you...

I strive to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am...

Stupid should hurt...

Everyday I get up and look through the Forbeslist of the richest people in America..if I'm not there...I go to work...

If God had intended men to fly...he'd make it easier to get to the airport...

Saturday, June 12, 2010

yah this ain't nothing...

He was standing in the rubble of an old farmhouse outside Birmingham
When some on the scene reporter stuck a camera in the face of that old man
He said “tell the folks please mister, what are you gonna do
Now that this twister has taken all that’s dear to you”
The old man just smiled and said “boy let me tell you something, this ain’t nothing”

He said I lost my daddy, when I was eight years old,
That cave-in at the Kincaid mine left a big old hole,
And I lost my baby brother, my best friend and my left hand
In a no win situation in a place called Vietnam
And last year I watched my loving wife, of fifty years waste away and die
And I held her hand til her heart of gold stopped pumping,
So this ain’t nothin’

He said I learned at an early age,
There’s things that matter and there’s things that don’t
So if you’re waiting here for me to cry,
I hate to disappoint you boy, but I won’t

Then he reached down in the rubble and picked up a photograph
Wiped the dirt off of it with the hand that he still had
He put it to his lips and said man she was something
But this ain’t nothin’

He said I lost my daddy, when I was eight years old,
That cave-in at the Kincaid mine left a big old hole,
And I lost my baby brother, my best friend and my left hand
In a no win situation in a place called Vietnam
And last year I watched my loving wife, of fifty years waste away and die
We were holding hands when her heart of gold stopped pumping
So this ain’t nothin’

This ain’t nothin’ time won’t erase
And this ain’t nothin’ money can’t replace
He said you sit and watch your loving wife fifty years fighting for her life
Then you hold her hand til her heart of gold stops pumping
Yeah boy that’s something,
So this ain’t nothin’
Yeah this ain’t nothin’