HUMOUROUS QUOTES

A husband is someone who ..after taking out the trash gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house...

Sometimes when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." Lilliam Carter (mother of former President Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered ..but I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog...NO GOOD IN BED, BUT FINE FOR AGAINST A WALL (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Last week , I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen..I have since been visited by her sister,,and now wish to withdraw that statement..(Mark Twain)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending..and to have the two as close together as possible..(George Burns)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech...Every now and then she stops to breathe...(Jimmy Durante)

A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer...

Money can't buy you happiness..but it does bring in a more pleasant form of misery..(Spike Milligan)

Until I was 13 I thought my name was SHUT UP...(former football player Joe Namath)

I don't feel old..I don't feel anything at all until noon...then its time for my nap...(Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..(W.C.
Fields)

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress...(Will Rogers)

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he's too old to go anywhere...(Billy Crystal)

The cardiologist diet...if it tastes good..spit it out...

I don't call my ex an ex..I call him a Y...(Natalie Cole on Wendy williams show)

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two place...he told me to stop going to those places..(Henny Youngman)

Maybe you can't buy happiness..but these days you certainly can charge it...

If at first you don't succeed ..hide all evidence that you tried..

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything...(Mark Twain)

If you think you are too small to be effective..you obviously have never been in a room with a mosquito..

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the Hell is the ceiling?"


A hypochondriac is one who has a pill for everything except what ails him..(Mignon McLaughlin)

Good Humour makes all things tolerable...(Henry Ward Beecher)

Sure I'm all for helping the elderly..I'm going to be old myself one day..(Lillian Carter in her 80's)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age..(LUcille Ball 1911-1989)

I love deadlines...I like the swooshing sound they
make as they fly by...(Douglas Adams)

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning., the devil shudders and says," Oh no , she's awake!"..

I feel about diets the way I feel about planes,,,they are wonderful things for other people to be on...(Jean Kerr)

I'm not young enough to know everything..(Oscar Wilde)

When in doubt ..read the directions...

Normal is just a setting on a dryer...

Why can't all of our problems hit us when we are fourteen and we know everything..??

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it...

when you stop believing in Santa Clause...you get underwear...

Of all the things I've lost ...I miss my mind the most...

If if was a fifth..we would all be drunk...

If at first you don't succeed..skydiving is not for you...

I strive to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am...

Stupid should hurt...

Everyday I get up and look through the Forbeslist of the richest people in America..if I'm not there...I go to work...

If God had intended men to fly...he'd make it easier to get to the airport...